Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
jesus, what did this guy do
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.