it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else