[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
is this store having a stroke wtf
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Ok who’s got my black socks?