Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of CatherineLMK's best tweets

@CatherineLMK : I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@CatherineLMK: Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.

@CatherineLMK: I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.

@CatherineLMK: Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am--you've made a minimally powerful enemy.

@CatherineLMK: I'm dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@CatherineLMK: Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

@CatherineLMK: The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

@CatherineLMK: Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod

@CatherineLMK: "Damnit!"

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.