Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CatsVsHumanity's best tweets

@CatsVsHumanity : Her: You should meditate. Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@CatsVsHumanity: Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you're 85 lol

@CatsVsHumanity: Me:
- cures cancer
- saves endangered species
- discovers Atlantis
- solves energy crisis
- finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can't you do something about blindness? Don't forget to call your aunt Cathy...

@CatsVsHumanity: Him: Don't make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

@CatsVsHumanity: Whiskey, tango, french fry...?

Yeah, I think that's right.

@CatsVsHumanity: Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn't think we have a connection.

@CatsVsHumanity: 3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

@CatsVsHumanity: Please please please please please please please...

-me, flushing someone else's toilet

@CatsVsHumanity: When someone says "Idaho", I still respond by saying "Udaho!" and I will never stop.

@CatsVsHumanity: The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.