me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.