[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
spot the difference
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.