Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
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Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.