@CelebrityChez: Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
@CelebrityChez: My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.
@CelebrityChez: Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
@CelebrityChez: I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn't sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.
@CelebrityChez: If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
@CelebrityChez: How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you've told your wife that you're gay?
@CelebrityChez: In retrospect, "so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage" was probably weird small talk for a funeral.