Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Happy Star Wars day!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth