Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.