Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.