I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 馃幎I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that鈥檚 great, any hobbies?
I don鈥檛 understand the question
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
9: Don鈥檛 break anyone鈥檚 heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
馃幎 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 馃幎
You know your kid is Canadian when she鈥檚 watching football and asks why no one is skating
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Hamburger Hinderer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go