@Cheeseboy22: Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don't have to help your kid with his math homework.
@Cheeseboy22: I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
@Cheeseboy22: FYI: Waterparks can't call it a "lazy river" if they make you get out to pee.
@Cheeseboy22: I've got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
@Cheeseboy22: A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
@Cheeseboy22: Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling's name.
@Cheeseboy22: When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, "Yes, but only if I die."
@Cheeseboy22: Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don't know. He's not answering his texts.
Me: Why don't you call him?
Son: I don't know what that is.
@Cheeseboy22: I don't understand "standing desks." Why take away the only good thing about a desk?