me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???