Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
You learn something every day
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Ugh