Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.