My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I never needed anything more in my life
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.