A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The point of your 20s
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”