If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I think they could have phrased this better
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
craving $300 all of a sudden
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
pelicons
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks