Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
c’mon!
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.