An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Was it something I said?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Finally
found my next D&D character name
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.