If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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This why you should mind your business
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Cats are still liquid.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.