“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*