The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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“i miss shittin on people”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”