Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Twitter is an abusement park.
The old gods are rising again.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
How I like cutting carbs
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes