Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.