The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.