Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
R.I.P.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.