Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’d use my best pan on you.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.