Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?