Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
You Might Also Like
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?