Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Chumpstring's best tweets

@Chumpstring : [robber pulls gun] ME: take my money but please don't hurt me i'm an only child MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he's lying he has a brother

@Chumpstring: [walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what's the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don't know offhand
ME: you're disgusting

@Chumpstring: [car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@Chumpstring: INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@Chumpstring: [job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven't started yet

@Chumpstring: [parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@Chumpstring: GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that's your wish
ME: be quiet
ME: damn

@Chumpstring: [zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it's a cigar

@Chumpstring: COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor's house
ME: that's awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that's even worse isn't it

@Chumpstring: [standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down