“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
broke down and did it
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
LMAO
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie