Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Chumpstring's best tweets

@Chumpstring : waiter: do you have any questions about the menu me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

@Chumpstring: olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@Chumpstring: scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

...20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@Chumpstring: safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@Chumpstring: Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

@Chumpstring: waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@Chumpstring: client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@Chumpstring: doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

@Chumpstring: After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@Chumpstring: prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news