Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Chumpstring's best tweets

@Chumpstring : interviewer: what are your strengths me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it interviewer: what about weaknesses me: my mom’s a mess

@Chumpstring: genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

@Chumpstring: interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

@Chumpstring: [McDonald's]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@Chumpstring: Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@Chumpstring: ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

@Chumpstring: [inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

@Chumpstring: [invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

@Chumpstring: Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between someone who's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

@Chumpstring: KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time