Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Chumpstring's best tweets

@Chumpstring : [standoff] NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@Chumpstring: [physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i'm holding up?

@Chumpstring: [cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@Chumpstring: ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn't go on me

@Chumpstring: FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they'd stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they'd pretty much have to

@Chumpstring: SON: can i yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: can i yell boom
DAD: what's wrong with u
SON: how about "my dad smokes weed"
DAD: boom's ok

@Chumpstring: I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There's a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

@Chumpstring: [bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i'm not with the group.

@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don't remember but i do consent to a search

@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn't surprise me. it's been acting funny lately