Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Chumpstring's best tweets

@Chumpstring : Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@Chumpstring: [first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising :) it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@Chumpstring: [grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@Chumpstring: ME: please don't be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what's wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

@Chumpstring: PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm... yeah that explains it

@Chumpstring: [prison]

PRISONER: what's for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

@Chumpstring: SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you're saying is no more condoms

@Chumpstring: [airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don't.

@Chumpstring: [grocery store]
MOM: omg where's my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens