In banana years, I am bread.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
work smarter, not harder
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.