Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Worth a try
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”