an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*gets down on one knee*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket