welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I missed you with all my darts
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”