I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
You Might Also Like
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.