9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?