Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”