didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”