My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*skinny dips into black hole
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.