There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You Might Also Like
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.