Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.