I’m not wrong
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.