I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Super Hand Dog Face
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Shoo shoo! 😂
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]