Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.