If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.