9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
me 2 months after i graduated
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*