The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions