I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.